I meditated and for a full 20 minutes, and thought about nothing. My brain wasn’t empty, mind you: rather the entire time I thought, “I am thinking about nothing.” Sure, I occasionally noticed that my jaw was tight, or that I was clenching my left thigh a bit, but for the most part my brain just kept saying over and over again, “I am thinking about nothing” in a slow, irregular pace. An idea that would flow in and out as I sat and breathed somewhat unevenly, but always relaxed. That phrase surprises me a bit, because lately I have been pondering some pretty serious topics such as rape culture and access to mental health for Veterans. I had a conversation earlier about how I struggle with believing things will turn out OK, despite the fact that, in my life, things pretty much do go well. Yet, there is that lingering assumption that things just aren’t going to turn out “right.” It’s a control thing, I know, and I work on it. I’m grateful that I am more mindful of it when it happens now, and I will continue to work on the notion that whatever happens can be dealt with and, by default, is acceptable. Many of my friends are going through some difficult times, and I feel sad for them, knowing there is very little I can do except be there, check in, and listen if they want to speak. Too much loss and heartache among those I love.
So, yeah, I have had a lot of heavy stuff on my mind, which made me surprised that my meditation mantra for today was, “I am thinking about nothing.”
Which, I suppose, is something.