I’ve been writing, but nothing I want to put out in public for various reasons. Yet, I feel the need to maintain some sort of consistency here. I want to somehow prove to the world and myself that I am still writing. So, for lack of anything else to publish, I am sharing what goes on in my head during and after meditation. I free-write after most of my sittings, which have been too infrequent as of late. After you read this, you will witness why the phrase “practicing meditation” is apropos, and also realize how out of shape I am.
I sat for a full 20 minutes, but peeked at the timer just before 19; then one of the dogs barked at nothing in particular, sending my hear racing for the final minute or so. A sore body and monkey mind dominated. Should I really wait until 65 to live my life the way I want to? How do I want to live my life? I should look at my friend’s website. My middle back is sore – it would be the ultimate black humor if I had lung cancer, too. Will it be too warm to wear tights tonight? My left leg is tensing (again). I hear my back crackle. I have plenty of time to by another car. Waiting is a good idea. I like the print on these curtains.
None of these thoughts last longer than two lines of dialog in my head; none are really worthy of further consideration at that moment, but they ping back and forth, recur throughout my sitting time. Still, it feels good to listen to the chimes of the YouTube video, and allow the random thoughts to flow in and out of my brain. It’s been a few days since I have taken this time; I have had the time, but only after being out with friends and having alcohol. I can’t meditate after drinking, and this makes me wonder about my priorities. Ultimately, I will keep on doing both, but to make either a daily habit eliminates the other. Balance. While clearly one is deemed better than the other, I plan to keep both in my life. I am not, and will never be, perfect. I gain too much joy from too many things. What a lucky person I am.